Sep 26, 2020
AskReddit top 100: A curious Q & A
The answer to my favorite subreddit is AksReddit. Curious questions leads to even more curious answers. Like most social media, this then shortly becomes trending, but soon falls into oblivion. That’s ashame because they’re insightful, curious or put a smile on your face.
I collected a top 100 to stop happening that it will fall into oblivion. This is in the form of a Q & A. Where the question is the question people asked and the answer is the top comment with most upvotes.
Q & A
Q: People who haven’t pooped in 2019 yet, why are you still holding on to last years shit?
A: But when I finally do, it’ll be the years biggest shit
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Q: Would you watch a show where a billionaire CEO has to go an entire month on their lowest paid employees salary, without access to any other resources than that of the employee? What do you think would happen?
A: They’d be fine. The problem with poverty is not usually day-to-day costs. People can adjust to that. It’s unexpected expenses that are crippling.
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Q: How would you feel about a feature where if someone upvotes a crosspost, the original post is upvoted automatically?
A: what about subs that crosspost from other subs to mock them?
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Q: What if God came down one day and said “It’s pronounced ‘Jod’ then left?
A: A large chunk of my taking the lord’s name in vain would go away.
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Q: Reddit, how would you feel about a law that bans radio stations from playing commercials with honking/beeping/siren noises in them?
A: I would feel like “finally. Lawmakers taking the public’s issues to heart.”
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Q: Anthony Bourdain once said “There’s a guy in my head, and all he wants to do is lay in bed all day long, smoke pot, and watch old movies and cartoons. My life is a series of strategems, to avoid, and outwit that guy”. Who is “that guy” for you, and what do you do to avoid him?
A: I hate mornings. I don’t like waking up. I don’t like breakfast as a genre or activity. I don’t see a good reason to be anywhere ever before 10am.
I started forcing myself to wake up early and go to the gym before work. And i hate it so much but it makes me feel so goddam good all day long. It’s a shitty healthy dose of morning endorphins that stops me from getting sleepy after lunch, keeps me energized after work, get a better night’s sleep.
It sucks so much and it sucks even more that it improves every aspect of my day because now if i stop i know i’ll just start having shitty bad days again and it’ll be my dumbass lazy fault with a simple fix.
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Q: Bill Gates said, “I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” What’s a real-life example of this?
A: I was working as a stockboy in a supermarket and when we had to fill the milk cooler people would bust open a 12 pack of milk cartons and put them in one by one.
On my first day I just placed the 12 pack in the cooler and cut the plastic off on one side with my box cutter and yanked it from under it and the look of the store manager and the other employee who was training me was pure bewilderment.
From that day everyone did it my way.
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Q: Without saying what the category is, what are your top five?
A: Atm OP has earned 637k upvotes from comments on this post. Yeah I’m unemployed and have all the time in the world to count comment upvotes from OP’s profile.
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Q: What free things online should everyone take advantage of?
A: https://nobaproject.com/
It’s a website that has compiled Psychology topics into easy to read modules. They have been compiled by psychology university professors to help facilitate free education for students. You can even download the ones you’re interested as a PDF as many times as you want. All of this is free!
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Q: It’s more than likely that Covid-19 will still be around at Christmas time — how are we going to explain to kids that Santa is still allowed to go into millions of houses?
A: Santibodies.
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Q: With all of the negative headlines dominating the news these days, it can be difficult to spot signs of progress. What makes you optimistic about the future?
A: People here are talking about Cancer cure here. Stanford Medicine made the biggest breakthrough in history just last month. They cured 90 out of 90 infected mice with different kinds of cancers with just 1 shot of medicine.
https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2018/01/cancer-vaccine-eliminates-tumors-in-mice.html
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Q: Iceland just announced that every Icelander over the age of 18 automatically become organ donors with ability to opt out. How do you feel about this?
A: As long as I can still taxidermy my body when I’m dead, they can have my organs.
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Q: Steve Irwin has you pinned down in a headlock, what cool facts does he tell the audience about you and your habitat?
A: I don’t care, he calls me a beaut and I really needed to hear it
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Q: Why do you like to be alive?
A: There's an old man I sometimes visit who can talk your ear off for hours on end. You'll sit down with him, and he'll start to unload his stories, one after the other, of his old friends, his years in the radio industry, and his misadventures chasing women. Once, half-way through his usual ramble, he stopped, turned to me, and said "you know what? Life is fun. And it stinks to know that I'm getting close to the end, because the whole thing's just been so damned fun."
That's always stuck with me. It's my belief that the person who's had the most successful life is the one who, when it's all said and done, has the best stories to tell his grandkids.
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Q: Which legendary Reddit post / comment can you still not get over?
A: There was a post on r/aww of a gorilla using sign language to tell people not to feed it or something to that effect.
To this day, I still laugh when I think about a comment that said, “It’s a shame there’s so many deaf gorillas.
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Q: How would you feel about a law that requires people over the age of 70 to pass a specialized driving test in order to continue driving?
A: Sorry if this ends up being long but its angered me for quite some time.
About ten years ago my mother at age 69 had a massive stroke. They didn’t expect her to live let alone come out of it mostly alright. Which she did except for some vision loss in her left eye. (Not total, just peripheral.) So she can only see perfectly straight out of that eye.
So after about a year recovering from the stroke and the ensuing infection from the surgery that ended up being worse then the stroke itself she decides she wants to go get tested to see if she can retain her drivers license. (Required by law in my province of Canada).
My father was not well either as he had a long term terminal illness so I pack them both up in my truck and take them to the DMV. Me and my father happily assuming there is no fucking way in hell she will pass.
Aside from her vision issues, the amazingly quick witted and swift woman I grew up with was VERY unsure of her self at all times and took forever to make the smallest decisions. It broke my heart and it didn’t even occur to me to be scared that she would get her license back.
Well she did, passed with “Flying colors” the DMV guy said. As a SAR (Search and Rescue) tech, the idea of taking him up in the helicopter and throwing him out without a rope occurred to me.
1 week later, accident number one. T-boned a poor lady as she was coming out of the grocery store. Not much damage and no injuries thankfully. Mother still refused to admit she wasn’t fit to drive.
Month later, accident 2. She panics on a multi-lane cross city road and ends up on the raised median and rips the entire exhaust system off her car. Still won’t admit any issues.
At this point I’m amazed I didn’t have ulcers. Shortly after accident 2 my father passed away. I did everything up to and including begging to get her to give up the license. She wouldn’t do it and for the next few months I spent every day with a knot in my stomach until I spoke to her around 6pm every night once she was “home from running around”
Then around 1pm I get a call from her cell phone, this phone I bought her that she mostly ignored except to charge it. I couldn’t understand a word she said she was so upset on the phone. I managed to get her general location out of her and hopped in a car and more then exceeded the speed limit getting down there.
Upon arriving there are two ambulances, shoes in front of her car and its up on the curb.
She’s sitting on the curb next to it bawling her eyes out and I’m terrified she’s killed someone.
Turns out a man and his son were walking out of the soccer pitch next to the road, began to cross on the cross walk and she didn’t see them.
She thankfully only struck the father and aside from being banged up he wasn’t super seriously injured.
Because of my job I knew most of the police officers in the city so one of them offered to follow me back to her house so she could take me back down to get her car.
By the time I had done so and got back to her condo she had stopped crying. Threw me the extra set of keys to the car she had and told me to get rid of the car.
She even tried to get the DMV worker that passed her fired after that. She immediately realized she shouldn’t of ever gotten it back. She was actually terrified that she had been driving like that.
Years later she still comments about how she never even saw the man and his son and how she could of killed one or both of them.
I have all the respect in the world for seniors. My mother was one of the first women CEO’s in this province and was a hellcat in her day. I learned a lot from her. But I also learned to accept limitations.
If you are older reading this post. If you think for even a second that you could maybe not be the safest person to be on the road, talk to and listen to your loved ones.
Its horrible to give up that freedom, it would be more horrible for you to kill some innocent person because you are too proud to give it up.
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Q: Now that PBS has announced they’ll be televising the impeachment hearings, what will the drinking game rules be?
A: If you don’t want to die:
Drink every time someone admits they were wrong.
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Q: The Pope slapped a woman on day 1 of 2020, world war III is trending on day 2, what will happen on day 3?
A: Global epidemic crisis. It just started in Wuhan, China.
It might take some time though, take a seat.
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Q: How would you feel if the only thing we knew about presidential candidates was their stance on issues…no information on party, name, gender, race, or religious beliefs (or lack thereof)?
A: Would it be based on their actual stance, or what they claim is their stance?
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Q: Police Officers of Reddit, what are you thinking when you see cases like George Floyd?
A: I am a police officer in a medium sized suburban town in Texas. I have been in law enforcement for 14 years. I love my job, I love how I get to help people and I love how I get to cause positive changes in peoples’ lives. I love how 99.9% of the time, my badge is shiny…today my badge is not shiny.
I am tired of hearing the excuses given by other people for a police officer’s misconduct. I am tired of excuses being made for people who tarnish my badge. I am so tired of hearing how officers have a stressful job and their misconduct was a result of that stress. You know who else is under stress? The people who called us, that person whose loved one just committed suicide, the family who called us because they found grandma dead and now we’re asking everyone questions, the 7–11 clerk who just had a gun shoved in his face, and even the guy we just put in handcuffs and told him he is losing his freedom. Sorry, but our stress is low compared to these folks. We might have to go into these situations, but we get to leave them and pretend none of that shit ever happened after our shift is over.
I am tired of hearing excuses for the bad police officers, I am tired of the excuse “well, he puts his life in danger”. Sure, I know we put our lives in danger, I’ve had guns, knives and even swords pulled on me. I’ve responded to bomb threats, suicidal subjects, assaults in progress, robberies in progress, etc. You know who else puts their lives in danger? Fire fighters, deep sea fisherman, loggers, people who step foot outside their homes in Chicago. We are trained to deal with danger, we are provided with equipment and training to help us survive those dangers. Do I face an increased risk of not going home? Sure, but that’s why I am at an increased level of awareness at work, so I can respond to threats appropriately without panic and over responding.
I am tired of hearing about the thin blue line. I believe in the thin blue line, I believe in looking out for my fellow officers. I don’t believe in hiding the misconduct or unlawfulness of other officers, and I have always spoken up. What many forget, standing behind the thin blue line doesn’t mean concealing the misconduct of other officers, it means confronting those officers so they don’t do something to ruin their lives, the lives of others, or violate the law or code of conduct. It means walking up to the officer with his knee on a suspect’s neck and saying “dude, this is too much, stop”, before the officer commits murder. It means walking up to the officer who has been drinking all night and saying “dude, I’ll give you a ride home”. Instead of hiding misconduct, prevent it, help your fellow officer not do something to ruin his life or another’s life. If you do see misconduct, address it, take it to the appropriate level, stop tarnishing my badge. We took an oath to uphold the law, uphold our ethics and protect our communities, sometimes that means arresting other police officers or holding them accountable for policy/ethics violations.
This officer violated the rights of George Floyd and murdered him through his actions. The officers who were on scene and failed to act are just as responsible. There are multiple videos of this incident and there is no real question as to what happened.
For those folks who wonder what makes it murder or manslaughter. Murder is the act of causing death to another human being through an action which a reasonable person would know (or intend) could result in the death of the victim. Manslaughter is the act of causing death through an act which is reckless in nature.
Every officer in America is taught about positional asphyxiation and while some departments allow neck restraints, all officers are taught the dangers of neck restraints and are taught not to apply pressure to the back of someone’s neck or head when they are proned out on the ground in handcuffs.
Floyd was handcuffed with little resistance and they were able to walk him across the street to a patrol unit. Floyd can be seen in a surveillance video falling to the ground next to the unit on the sidewalk side of the unit. Cell phone footage then shows the officer on top of Floyd’s neck on the opposite side of the unit, the street side. There is a random man in the background telling Floyd just to get in the car and he can’t win. Floyd can be heard saying he knows and he’s done. This implies that Floyd may have resisted or attempted to escape, but was still restrained in the handcuffs. Floyd can be heard multiple times saying he can’t breathe. The cell phone video shows the officer kneeling on top of Floyd’s neck for at least eight minutes, with around four of those minutes with Floyd being unconscious.
Even if Floyd did attempt to resist or escape, there was no reason to hold him down for eight minutes. What was the point of restraining him for so long? Why did the othe
r officer not assist the primary officer with restraining Floyd so they could get him in the patrol unit quicker? Why did the primary officer continue to restrain Floyd by his neck after Floyd became unresponsive? Why can the officer be heard at some point asking Floyd if he is still a tough guy? I can only come up with one answer to all of these questions, and that was the primary officer, Chauvin, wanted to prove to Floyd that Floyd was not such a tough guy. I see an officer assaulting another human being, going beyond taking control of a suspect, using force as punishment and ultimately causing the death of another human being. I see a second officer who stood and watched and did nothing, despite knowing that what the first officer was doing was a violation of law and policy. I see officers who were trying to get back at Floyd for running his mouth and resisting an arrest by using force they KNEW could result in death or serious bodily injury in a situation which did not justify using deadly force.
This officer committed murder, plain and simple. This officer tarnished my badge and the badges of all police officers. Worst of all, this officer tortured his victim for eight minutes, imagine your last thoughts and memories being those of a police officer, a person who the public is supposed to be able to trust, placing his body weight on your neck, slowly asphyxiating you against hot asphalt while he asks you if you’re still a tough guy. I hope this officer, and any officer who allowed this to happen, is tried and convicted. It’s going to be some time before I can polish my badge back to a shine, in the mean time, a family is suffering, a community is burning, all because of one guy who should have never been an officer.
What do I think? I think assholes like this make my job that much harder and damage the trust I work so hard for. I think assholes like this ruin peoples’ lives and ruin families. I think assholes like these should be stuck in a prison with all of the people they ever arrested.
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Q: How would you feel about a “return to where you left off” button for Reddit?
A: Like after I close the app and come back or if I accidentally press the “back” button and go to the top?
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Q: What life changing item can you buy for less than $100?
A: Two pet ducks. You may be tempted to go for one. But trust me. You need two. And you’ll have about $76 left over.
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Q: The 2010’s decade will be over in 4 months. What do you think people will remember this decade for?
A: The Clown Epidemic of ‘16
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Q: George Carlin said “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” What real life example have you seen that validates this view?
A: I’m a physician. Eye doctor specifically. I will tell you that the longer I work (now 15 years), my standard for the “average” person continues to decline. Case in point: Thanks to the awful information filtering out there, I had a patient just last week who read that Vitamin D helps you resist a Coronavirus infection. Well, he had also read that you can get more Vitamin D by getting more sun. So he wanted to “collect” as much light as possible with his eyes. As a result, he stared at the sun for a solid 60 seconds and burned holes directly into his retinas permanently reducing his vision with no chance at future improvement.
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Q: Girls who took notes using 50 different colored pens, where are you now? Do you still continue to write using all those colors?
A: Am I allowed to answer if I’m a guy?
Because I ended up becoming “the Excel guy” in my office. All of my spreadsheets are exquisitely color-coded.
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Q: If Covid-19 wasn’t dominating the news right now, what would be some of the biggest stories be right now?
A: Scientists found the first ever living animal — a parasite — that doesn’t need oxygen to survive This was in February
Link here http://www.sciencealert.com/this-is-the-first-known-animal-that-doesn-t-need-oxygen-to-survive
More here (need subscription) but interesting abstract https://www.pnas.org/content/117/10/5358
“Our discovery confirms that adaptation to an anaerobic environment is not unique to single-celled eukaryotes, but has also evolved in a multicellular, parasitic animal. Hence, H. salminicola provides an opportunity for understanding the evolutionary transition from an aerobic to an exclusive anaerobic metabolism.”
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Q: What is something free from the internet everyone should take advantage of?
A: Goodrx. If you haven’t seen the depressing commercials, this is an app that gives you discounts on prescription medications. My dog has epilepsy and I save about $200 a month on his pills.
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Q: You have just been cheated out of $1000 for a stupid brick. How do you take revenge?
A: beat the shit out of myself with the brick for being that dumb
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Q: A new dating app is launched. Instead of a photo of the person, it shows you a photo of their bedroom, car, kitchen, shoes, how they have their tea/coffee, things like that… what photo would tell you the most about someone, and would you be most interested to see to choose a potential date?
A: The subreddits they’re subscribed to
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Q: You gain control of JK Rowling’s twitter account for a day. What unnecessary piece of information do you add to Harry Potter lore?
A: Potter puppet pals is now canon
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Q: African Proverb Says “The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel the warmth” What time in your life have you been closest to starting the fire?
A: For some reason or another, my mother hated me. As a little girl I could never understand why she treated me so much worse than my 3 other siblings, and I would often go up to my Grandmother and ask her “Why doesn’t my momma love me?” She never could give me a straight answer and would tell me “Your momma loves you in the only way she knows how…”. That answer confused me because she loved my siblings just fine (Disclaimer: Her love was toxic AF, and she did a different type of damage to my other siblings.).
Now when I say that my mother treated me badly, it started out with her picking fights with me. She would constantly nitpick at everything I did, chastising me, and at the end of the day punishing me harshly for something that could have been a gentle scolding. When I got older, she started cussing at me, and calling me names. She would often ignore me for days on end, and when she would talk to me it would be to make me the butt end of a bad joke, or to tell me she hated me.
Yes, my mother looked me dead in my eyes and told me she hated me (Disclaimer #2: She was a drug addict and alcoholic, and she loves to claim all the emotional abuse she put me though as a child was the effects of the drugs, and it “wasn’t even that bad”). It was things like that that really began to tear at me after awhile. All sorts of terrible things she did to me growing up, the terrible things she said, and how she ignored me constantly… All of it very different than how she treated my other three siblings.
She was very close with one of my brothers and my sister. She would spend time with them constantly, take them anywhere, buy them anything that they wanted and it made me resent them. My sister would sometimes rub it in my face that “Mom loved her more”. It was her way of having power over me, and it was one of the things that made my rage bubble over on innocent people.
I just wanted to be loved and accepted, I wanted to be cared for and cherished as a child should be, and when I didn’t get that, I plotted on how I was going to get her love and affection. In my screwed up mind, I thought that if I got rid of my older brother and younger sister… I would be one of the only people left for her to love.
I planned on killing my brother. How screwed up is that? It wasn’t just some thought that passed through my head; it was a constant idea, a plan that I was putting into place to end his life so that I could make room in my mother’s heart for me.
I feel ashamed writing it out. It was a dark time in my life, and I was also incredibly mentally ill.
My brother was addicted to pain medications, and my parents were trying desperately to get him clean at the time. Ironically, at the same time he was going on a drug induced rampage, my sister had shattered her leg on a trampoline. She was on some pretty heavy pain pills, and while my mother was doing everything in her power to keep my brother away from the drugs, she would leave my sister (and her drugs) in my care. So one day, while my mother was out dealing with my brother and my sister was sleeping, I took the rest of her pills (my sister was super afraid of becoming addicted to drugs after watching what my mother and brother were going through, so there was a ton left) and I waited for my brother to come back.
When I heard him come through his window (His room was next to mine) I went into the kitchen and made him a glass of juice. Earlier in the day I had crushed up the pills into a powder
, and I mixed them into the juice. I went up to his room, knocked on the door, and offered him the cocktail of various prescription drugs. He took the juice, and right before he was about to drink it I had thought.
“How could I do this to my own brother?”
I snatched the drink back, and it spilled all over the carpet. He was high and super pissed, but at least he was alive.
I never tried anything like that again. It felt so sick, wrong, evil… I mean, what type of person thinks about killing their brother? Besides, my brother dying wouldn’t make my mother love me any more, she would have just resented me for living instead of him.
So thats’ the sad, sick story of how I almost executed my brother. I didn’t actually carry through with it, obviously, and I guess everyone lived happily ever after. My brother got clean and now has a happy family, I’m in college, my sisters leg healed up nicely, and my mom left us after awhile… (But thats’ a story for another time).
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Q: If “OK Boomer” was a digital assistant like “OK Google” what sorts of answers would it give you to certain questions?
A: “Ok Boomer, where’s the nearest recycling center.”
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Q: How would you feel if the U.S. government made the day for voting, a holiday?
A: Make it a holiday and have voting last either a week or a 24 hour period so people deemed “essential workers” can actually have a chance.
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Q: If instead of rebooting movies, retelling them from a different point of view became popular, which movie would you like retold
A: The Game starring Michael Douglas. I want to see it from Consumer Recreation Services point of view. I want to see how they manage all the actors and situations to make sure everything goes the way they want it.
Edit: I want to thank everyone for agreeing this movie is great, underrated, and the upvotes.
Thank you to /u/blogzilly for the Silver.
People brought up Cabin in the Woods. My issue with Cabin in the Woods is those people didn’t know beforehand what might or was going to happen. Michael Douglas’ character knew about the organization and how Sean Penn’s character talked about the experience. Also, it’s in the woods. The Game was done in San Francisco so if this movie was done, you can show different POV’s of San Francisco like the Golden Gate Bridge and different areas of San Fran these actors live in.
The Truman Show. Truman grew up infront of the cameras in a fictional town. Michael Douglas’ character does neither.
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Q: What is the coolest website you’ve visited that no one knows about?
A: https://ncase.me/trust/
It’s an interactive website that showcases what makes the Prisoner’s Dilemma cool
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Q: What mind-blowing (but simple) facts would satisfy a 4-year old daughter’s daily request for 1 fact before bedtime?
A: Dogs can tell when your comming home by how much of your scent is left in the house if you have a daily routine
https://thebark.com/content/dogs-smell-passage-time
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Q: It has now been 6969 days since the year 2000. How will you celebrate this monumental day?
A: Shaving off all my head, literally.
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Q: If you had the ability to instantly give any person an orgasm, simply by pointing your hand at them like a finger gun and saying “pew”, how would you wield this power?
A: I’d go to as many sporting events as possible, bet on the underdog and cause the other team to lose at ever possible chance of scoring.
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Q: People who downloaded their Google data and went through it, what were the most unsettling things you found out they had stored about you?
A: That there is a map of everywhere I went in the last couple of years that’s accurate to the hour.
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Q: People who can fall asleep within 8 seconds of their head hitting their pillow: how the fuck do you fall asleep within 8 seconds of your head hitting your pillow?
A: That’s my secret cap, I’m always tired
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Q: What do you KNOW is true without evidence? What are you certain of, right down to your bones, without proof?
A: that the key to happiness is low expectations.
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Q: You’re given the option to drop what you have and return to 12/31/2011 as yourself at that age, but with the extra 8 years of experience. Do you take it? Why or why not?
A: In a fucking heartbeat. My entire life crashed because of one decision I made in 2012. I don’t care about the money, I just want the chance to fix myself and be ok.
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Q: What looks easy peasy lemon squeezy but is actually difficult difficult lemon difficult?
A: Work. I’m a lawyer and had a client call saying she needs a help with a merger, but “don’t worry, it’s super easy peasy lemon squeezy.”
That project took 6 months and I almost had a breakdown. She didn’t understand why the bill was so high since it wAs SO eAsY…
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Q: Admins of Reddit, what’s your favorite subreddit?
A: This is the most red I’ve seen in my life.
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Q: What are some methods you can use to protect your lemon tree from the lemon stealing whores?
A: Never take more than 10 seconds without looking at your lemon tree
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Q: When you’re lying in bed at night, do you ever randomly remember some relatively minor social missteps or poorly chosen words you did/said years earlier? And then beat yourself up over it even though it really wasn’t a big deal? If so, what happened?
A: I went to Dairy Queen with my daughter. She brought along her kitten. The cute girl at the walk-up window asked my daughter what the kitten’s name was. “Princess” was the response. Smiling and feebly attempting to make conversation, I said “Today” to indicate that my daughter changed the cat’s name frequently.
I got a dirty look and the girl left the window to go make whatever cold treat we had ordered. It wasn’t until later, on the walk home, that I realized that she thought I was telling her to hurry the hell up and make my order. Still haunts me years later for some reason.
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Q: Australians of Reddit, since no peace treaty has been signed to officially conlude the Emu War, how has life in this constant state of war been for you?
A: It is the 41st Millenium. For ten thousand years, the Irwinperor has sat immobile on the Ayers Throne. He is the Master of Australia by the will of the gods and master of millions of blokes by the inexaustible might of his armies. But for all their multitudes, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat to humanity from invasive species, genetic mutations, and far, far worse.
These are the tales of those times. Forget the promise of of scientific progess and conservation. There is no peace amongst the Outback, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods.
In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only the Emu War.
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Q: How would you feel about a ban of “how would you feel” questions on the sub?
A: I would feel pretty good
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Q: What’s your favorite poverty meal that you still eat regardless of where you are financially?
A: Grew up poor, but my mom sure knew how to stretch a dollar. She would make steak fingers out of the cheapest cuts she could find. Tenderize, fry them up make gravy out of the drippings and serve with mashed potatoes. The whole meal probably cost less than 5 bucks in 70s dollars, and I’m telling you nothing tasted better. I made it for my kids when they were growing up and they still ask me for it sometimes. She would be 94 today.
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Q: What do you think is the single greatest photograph in history?
A: This one makes my heart race every time A pickup truck flees from the pyroclastic flows spewing from the Mt.Pinatubo volcano in the Philippines
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Q: Do you ever look at yourself one day and think you are hot as shit, but the next day comes and you’ve become Quasimodo. Why do you think this happens?
A: I know I’m a handsome man from the front but have a weird head shape form the side. So I avoid turning my head at all times.
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Q: What are some slang terms a 50 year old dad can say to his daughter to embarrass her?
A: Just say “whatup fam?” Then when they get mad yell “worldstar”
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Q: IF people used “break up lines” instead of “pick up lines” what would some of them be??
A: Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
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Q: The words ‘Low Battery’ appear right before your eyes, you take off your VR headset and realized your whole life was just a VR simulation which you’ve been playing for only a few minutes. How do you react?
A: “Dude, I suck at this”
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Q: What do you think buzzfeed employees worked on while reddit was down yesterday?
A: Are you a Zoe or a Zelda?
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Q: You are given a baby on your 21 first birthday, the child turns out to be you as a baby. Raising him won’t change your life, only his. How would you raise this child to give it a better life than the one you have?
A: Give it to my parents.
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Q: 78% of suicide rates world wide are men, what can we do to help them?
A: Don’t expect men to be “manly”. We have worries, we have fears just like anyone else. Sometimes we don’t want sex, we just want someone to hold us and tell us everything is going to be be ok. The modern world shouldn’t expect someone to be anything other than a contributing member of society, be it any way. Men like power and feeling looked up to, but like women and children, we need someone to love us and someone we can fall back onto. When a man, or even a woman is shutting people out and isolating themselves, they need your love the most. I know this will get buried but I hope someone can take something from this.
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Q: How would you feel about at least one presidential primary debate being replaced with a history/civics themed contest of Jeopardy between the candidates?
A: This sort of reminds me of when we (Finland) were having a Presidential election where the two final candidates appeared on a comedy quiz show about current events (our version of “Have I Got News for You”).
The candidate who was much more funny in the show won the election, and the other candidate’s people would complain that voters seemed to have been sold on basically impromptu humour and a good performance in TV — as if that sort of thing didn’t already swing elections whether they’re on a comedy show or not.
The suggestion in this thread is at least about something more important than just the week’s news, so why not do it?
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Q: What do you think of the idea of “adopting” elderly people whose children have died as parents or grandparents, much the same way we adopt children whose parents have died as our own?
A: This reminds me of the programs where kindergartens take the children into aged care facilities and the children pick a buddy, and then write letters, draw pictures and visit their buddy.
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Q: Waiters what Valentine day disasters have you witnessed?
A: I blew my cars tire and my friend came in to bail me out. Were both straight dudes and forgot it was valentines. Decided to have dinner and both were coming from important meeting so had suits on. We didnt catch on until the end on how the entire wait staff thought we were just the cutest gay couple.
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Q: In 2019, Pornhub released statistics that showed step porn is trending downwards worldwide, but hentai is rising, especially in Russia. How can we use this information to foster world peace?
A: Don’t know about you but I’m investing in Russian squid market.
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Q: Have you ever felt you don’t know/have forgotten who you really are? That you’ve spent years just adapting to surroundings to make life easier and don’t know what’s the real you anymore? If so, how did you overcome this?
A: Start reading into existentialism.
It will help you realize we are never really THIS person or THAT person, but rather in the words of Sartre; we are always in the process of becoming.
This helps do away with the bad faith in “finding myself”, which so many of us feel we need to do, when in reality we always are in that process. So feeling lost is a state that will always come and go throughout life, just as much as feeling found or grounded will come and go. ❤
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Q: You’re cursed with the ability to see ghosts but you can only see either A. sexy ghosts that are constantly trying to get you hard at all times (you cant feel anything) or B. smart ghosts that always correct you in a condescending way to make you feel stupid, which do you choose and why?
A: Free VR interactive porn or ,,… whats the other one again
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Q: You can’t time travel, but your phone has the internet from 5 years in the future. What do you search for first?
A: Lottery numbers -> stock prices -> my name.
You may ask why my name but it’s very simple as I then can learn if I died until then or got caught for some shit and are still in prison.
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Q: People who are 40+ and happy with their life, what is your advice to people in their 20s?
A: I hesitate to give advice, being unqualified to do so.
Instead, here are some points that may or may not be worthy of consideration.
- Time is very short, and as you get older it speeds up more and more.
- Time is more important than money. In theory, you could end up a billionaire. But nobody is ever a “time billionaire.” Rich or poor, you’re gonna get maybe 100 years at the absolute max, and probably not that much.
- There will be several versions of You as you walk your path, but one version that kind of colors all the other versions. This version you could call “the real you.” It pays to spend time figuring out who that real you is.
- You will have to deal with people. Learn how to leave them happy to have been in your presence, and you will not lack for friends and loved ones.
- Speaking of loved ones: just because someone is a blood relative, it doesn’t mean they’re worth a shit. If your parent, sibling, or child is a complete asshole unworthy of your attention, don’t waste further time on them.
- Find something you love to do, and do that. Do it every day. It doesn’t matter if you make money at it, or get recognition because of it. Do it like Henry Darger did his writing and drawing, and like Vivian Maier did her photography. Do good work. It is its own reward.
- I am a geezer, 64 years old. It does not have to suck being old. (I think it’s fucking great, for many reasons.)
If you’re ever in my town, drop by and get ON my lawn.
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Q: What if you suddenly feel a touch on the shoulder following with the words: “are you sleeping during my class?”. You open your eyes and you are at your 7th grade math class, all of the life leading up to this point was just a dream and you are a 7th grader. What are your thoughts?
A: Immediately forgets what I was dreaming about
“No, Ms./Mr. Teacher, I was just resting my eyes and listening.”
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Q: 300–400 years ago, pirates were a terrifying force to be reckoned with. Now they’re family friendly figures of fun. What will be their modern day equivalent a few centuries from now?
A: It’s already true of prohibition era gangsters
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Q: Which Celebrity gives you the quickest boner once you look at them?
A: Why does everyone get boners from me
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Q: What’s the best kept secret on the Internet?
A: The shitload of foreign sites u can use to pirate literally anything just google translate “download” to chinese or russian combined with the name of what you’re looking for and u have it.
Russians are the best for books and research papers
Chinese have literally every movie, tv series and game known to man
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Q: Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because “that’s gay”?
A: Not me but a friend was seen as effeminate because he was into sewing. I’m sorry, but the manliest man trait on the planet is practicality, and sewing is one of the most practical skills to have at literally any point in history.
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Q: To every redditor who feels lonely: Hi, how was your day?
A: Lonely. Also, I had a lot of stuff to do. Didn’t do any of them.
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Q: There is a well known saying that goes “Always give the hardest job to the laziest person because they will find the easiest way to do it” what is the best real-life example to this you have seen?
A: I once was a temp at a tiny office on a construction site in around 2003. I was only there for one day while the regular person was on some training.
They sat me down and told me that I just needed to copy all these numbers from one program to another. So I selected them, hit ctrl c and ctrl v. They stared at me.
Turns out about 60% of this woman’s time had been spent manually typing numbers from one place to another.
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Q: People who shoved their school papers in their backpack with no binder/folder etc, Where are you now?
A: Wildland firefighter, don’t really have to put any papers in my bag anymore. Though I do subscribe to the “stuff your tent in the bag” strategy over folding it.
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Q: Redditors who have tried to hide on your cruise when it ended so that you could stay on the ship for the next round, how did that go?
A: There was an episode of This American Life (I think) where a woman did this, but back in the day, like the 60s or early 70s?
There were seating charts or something in the dining room so she couldn’t sneak in to eat, and things that she assumed would be open most of night, like bars, weren’t. She lived on a lot of bar garnishes and had to pretend she was drunk who kept passing out in the lounge.
It was a lot less fun than she thought it would be, with very little sleep and cleaning herself up in public bathrooms while worrying she would be caught doing so at any time. She had to sneak back into her own country because she hadn’t brought a passport.
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Q: Which job is a LOT less fun than most people expect?
A: Preschool teacher. Especially with new COVID-19 regulations.
Ever try social distancing 3 year olds?
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Q: England just announced that every Englishman over the age of 18 automatically become organ donors with ability to opt out. How do you feel about this?
A: He wasn’t an Englishman but like John Prine said: “Please don’t bury me down in that cold cold ground, I’d rather have them cut me up & pass me all around, Throw my brain in a hurricane, the blind can have my eyes, the deaf can take both my ears if they don’t mind the size”
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Q: A popular saying is “Nothing ie ever lost on the internet” but what is something you have been searching for years and you haven’t found it yet?
A: Around 10 years ago I was using StumbleUpon and found a website outlining a mysterious expedition into a New England wood where a portal to an alternate dimension allegedly exists. Something about a group that went into the portal and never returned. Something else about an upcoming expedition to follow the first. The alternate dimension is an America much like our own but uncolonized & pristine. There were even schematics to a sort of chair that made the trip easier. The most curious part to me was the direction for finding the forest and the expedition group: something to the effect of “If you’ve found this website you have either been searching for us for a long time or you are meant to find us according to the will of the universe. If you are to continue your journey you will be able to solve the riddle hidden in this page. If you cannot solve this riddle you are not meant to find us.” I’d be lying if I said this didn’t pique my curiosity and I’ve been looking for the website ever since. I’ve attempted to figure it out with StumbleUpon and I swear I bookmarked the page but no such luck.
Edit: Thanks to u/agely this appears to be an early internet hoax/game called Ong’s Hat. Http://www.incunabla.org has a mirror of the original pamphlet which I must have seen on long-gone site.
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Q: What song is 10/10, yet hardly anyone has heard of it?
A: The song “La femme d’argent” by Air.
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Q: If you voted for Donald Trump in 2016 but won’t in 2020, what changed your mind?
A: His general response to COVID and sicking federal troops on his own people.
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Q: Have you ever woke up in the middle of a dream and the dream was so interesting that you wanted to go back to sleep to see the end of it? If so, what was the dream?
A: I had a nightmare a couple years back, and I still remember some bits. I was in a city where there was an outbreak of a disease. Infected people would start leaking black stuff from their eyes and noses and attack non-infected people. For some reason, I was walking in a part of the city that was completely deserted a couple days after the outbreak. Very faintly I heard someone crying. I approached and found out that it came from a backyard. If I wanted to see who it was, I had to climb a high fence. When I walked into the backyard I was fucking horrified, there was a crying little kid, like 3 years old on a leash, tied to a pole. I didn’t dare to approach, because that child was leaking valck stuff from the nose. I woke up after this, and was still horrified. The parents had to leave their child who was still alive, chained to a pole outside. That fucked me up for a couple of days.
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Q: Imagine having a reverse Yelp where we rate customers on their attitudes, manners, and how well they tip. What review would you leave?
A: Her kids dropped the popcorn so she asked me for a broom to let them clean it up themselves. I said it wasn’t necessary but she insisted that she wanted to raise them to be conscious of the fact that when they make a mess someone has to clean it up. Nice lady. 5/5
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Q: Teachers of Reddit, what are some positive trends you have noticed in today’s youth?
A: Nerd/geek culture is more accepted.
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Q: People who let their mom count to 0, what happened after?
A: She’s currently on 1/1125899906842624. I’ll let you know if she ever gets there.
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Q: In a video game, if you come across an empty room with a health pack, extra ammo, and a save point, you know some serious shit is about to go down. What is the real-life equivalent of this?
A: Recent experience:
11pm in a particularly rough neighborhood, random guy on a bicycle calls out from a distance and is riding towards us at an alarming pace.
Me and my friend stand firm expecting trouble as the cyclist slows his pace.
Cyclist: “GO. Keep walking.”
Friend: “What?”
Cyclist begins to pick up pace again.
Cyclist: “Madness just happened down the road, keep moving!”
Friend: “Say no more.”
Couple minutes later police sirens ring out a couple blocks over. Found out the next day someone’s body was found chopped up and left out in the street.
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Q: There’s a population of 7.5 billion humans and 19 billion chickens at any given time. If there was a chicken rebellion how would you prepare to fight off your 2.7 chickens (give or take a few)?
A: The question is who will the geese support?
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Q: What do you use to remind yourself that everything isn’t that bad?
A: While it is nice that someone is going around giving a lot of awards please DO NOT beg for them. It breaks rule 7 and is a bannable offense. Consider yourselves warned and have a nice weekend
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Q: What harmful things are being taught to children?
A: “Ignore bullies and they’ll leave you alone.”
When you do that, one of two things are likely to happen. Either they’ll mess with you more, or they’ll move to someone else and bully them.
If you stand up to bullies, they back down. The earlier in life you put these people in their place, the less likely they’ll develop their bad behavior as a lifelong practice.
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Q: What are the best free online certificates you can complete that will actually look good on a resume?
A: Lemme tell you something, as someone who has hired a lot of staff over many years.
Get something to put on your resume. 90% of what we’re looking for is that someone is willing to put in effort. If you can show that you’ve taken free courses, and put in your own time to improve yourself and your career, you are far ahead of 90% of the resumes we receive.
The other 10% is the skills you bring to the table.
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Q: What teen movie is the epitome of “the older I get, the more I agree with the adult”?
A: I watched Sixteen Candles recently and I now do not approve of Samantha going anywhere near Jake Ryan.
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Q: What are some “guy secrets” girls don’t know about?
A: Many men have anxiety and/or depression but we will not talk about and will get moderately annoyed at you for bringing it up.
Holy shit this got gold. Thank you kind stranger. I remember when I thought this was a successful post when it had only like 30 upvotes.
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Q: If HBO’s Chernobyl was a series with a new disaster every season, what event would you like to see covered?
A: The triangle shirtwaist factory fire In 1911. 150 died (most of them young women) because the doors were locked — to prevent workers from taking breaks and inventory — and they couldn’t leave the building. This sparked outrage and spurred the development of many work safety standards we have today. Would have been a tragic show but interesting to see how it changed the safety of work in the west. The owners of the building escaped alive via the roof and were indicted for manslaughter, got off with paying a fine. And then were found to have locked the doors at their next factory as well.
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Q: What old video games do you still play regularly?
A: Command and conquer red alert 2
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Q: If scientists invented a teleportation system but the death rate was 1 in 5 million would you use it? Why or why not?
A: Just googled: “What has a one in 5 million chance of happening?”
The answer: “Death by hot tap water”
Haven’t heard too many of those cases, so I would take my chances here.
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Q: What video or recording is perfectly innocent, but becomes terrifying when you look into the story behind it?
A: My mom and I recently watched one of those 20/20 shows, and they were talking about a woman who went out drinking one night, and was never seen again. She had gone back to one guys apartment, but hotel footage showed her leave shortly after arriving, and the guy in the apartment swore he didn’t do anything to her.
But they kept interviewing this one guy, who was the last guy to see her alive. They stopped at a gas station, and he claims that she started talking to another guy, got in his car and left. He played the whole “If I had only known, I wouldn’t have let her go!” act, with tears and everything.
Well, there’s footage of him at his job a couple days later, and the footage is super generic. He has a cooler on a rolling cart, and he’s putting it in a freezer (he worked for a food production company). When the police interviewed his boss, they asked to see all of her footage, and she obliged.
When they got to that part of the footage, him putting the cooler in the freezer, she told police to stop. She said that those coolers were used to store granola bars, and there was zero reason for those bars to be put in the freezer.
The girl’s body was in there. He took it out back and burned basically everything in a barrel down the alley a couple days later, but it was before the police had seen the footage. And he had bleached his entire van before police could search it.
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Q: Lawyers of Reddit, what is a detail that your client failed to bring up to you that completely lost you the case?
A: Opposing counsel: Isn’t it true you hit Victim in the face with a brick?
Client: No. Marcus hit him with the brick. I hit him in the back with a piece of wood.
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Q: What’s some juicy gossip you just found out in your personal lives?
A: LAST AND FINAL EDIT AS OF 7/21/2019
I have now left this job after far too much bullshit, including me having to deal with constant panic attacks as well as severe depression and anxiety stemming from the constant terrible people I had to deal with every day. I have since moved on to a new job and as of me quitting on July 12th, 2019, nothing was done against this manager that I know of. I do still have friends working there (for the time being, seeing as many of us are quitting in droves) who will keep me up to date, but as of now I know nothing. Sorry to make it a lame ending with no outcome but I needed to get out of that place before I jumped off a cliff or put a bullet in my head.
ORIGINAL POST
My office manager has a huge giant massive HR case being built against her because she’s been pulling royally shady shit.
Last year, some of us had been having issues with system access at my job, thankfully not me. It’s a known issue and it’s been getting fixed here and there, but then it rears it’s head again.
Anyway, about five or six months ago, a friend of mine in another department started losing access. My office manager (who is my boss’ boss, she runs the whole friggin’ meghilla.) tells this person to go home for the day since you don’t have system access, and specifically told that it wouldn’t be held against her.
So, what the hell, its not like she can do her job anyway right? She goes home. This happens about 8 more times where she comes to work and her systems don’t work and she is told to go home.
Now, fast forward to about two weeks before the year ended. The girl whose been being sent home gets called over by her manager and told that she has to sign a final written warning. When asked why, she is told its because she has used all her FMLA AND sick leave. She said that is not possible and asks for proof before signing the document. Her manager pulls up all the times and days it was used and, lo and behold, it was every single time she was told to go home because of system access.
This is, of course, illegal as shit. My coworker did not choose to go home, she did not choose to use her FMLA and Sick leave. My office manager DID THAT FOR HER.
So just about three weeks ago, my coworker gets called in to our office managers office and is told that she needs to give up her medical records.
Also illegal as fuck.
She declined and told her she will not do that and is still not signing the final written warning.
She then proceeded to call HR with all of this who then tells her, “It’s funny you should bring this to our attention because you’re not the only one whose called us about things like this happening with her. We’re building a case against her as we speak.”
Shits about to go down and im fuckin here for it. I hate my job, and I’ve actively been looking for a new one, but part of me wants to stick around to see if they tote her ass off to jail, or the mass shitshow that will happen when she’s fired.
EDIT: woo boy this got blown out of proportion. I promise everyone if I’m around for the aftermath, i will update somehow lol. No clue how long this case has been being built by HR and no clue how long it will take to come to fruition but if I’m here for it, and it does, I’ll definitely do something to update everyone whose interested lol.
EDIT 2; ELECTRIC BOOGALOO- Nothin’ so far folks. I think this case might take longer to build than you or even I am thinking… Trust me when I say, I wanna see this come to fruition just as much as you guys do.
EDIT 3 (
4/18/19); Still nothing guys. I’m starting to think nothings going to come of it… or if it is, it’s not going to be any time soon. I will post a new thread in some subreddit somewhere when and if it happens, providing I still work there.
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Q: What are some declassified government documents that are surprisingly terrifying?
A: This isn’t really a classified document but at one point the US government was telling people to “build your own bomb shelter to protect your family!” And it showed how to dig a 8 foot by 4 foot by 10 foot hole in your backyard and if there is a nuclear threat to get your family and go in there and cover it with a door. So obviously that wouldn’t really protect anyone in the case of a nuclear attack. Later it came out that the purpose of telling families to do that was so if there was a nuclear attack on American soil, they wouldn’t have to bury as many bodies because the families dug their own grave. So yeah, not classified but along the same disturbing stuff the US Government did!
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Q: People who force others into listening to the music by driving a car with windows wide opened and the volume 100% on — why do you do that?
A: My old neighbor at the apartments I lived at used to just sit in his car outside the apartments and blare his music with heavy bass. My apartment windows would rattle and was hard to hear the tv. I friended him to the point when I had a girl come over id text him and he’d stop for the night. He would play his music like that until 10pm which is noise curfew around here. A lady across the street was a single mother studying to be a doctor and asked him multiple times to stop cause kids are trying to sleep or she was studying. He would just tell her to fuck off and he’d stop at 10pm. He’s thankfully gone now.
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Q: You get a billion dollars if you can start a massive argument at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. What’s your game plan?
A: Announce I’m getting a billion dollars and I’m only sharing with my 3 favorite people. Can you guess my favorites?
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Q: How would you feel about a law requiring parents that receive child support to supply the court with proof of how the child support money is being spent?
A: Who decides whether taking a child to Check E Cheese is appropriate ise of money? Keep the government away from citizens lives.
